I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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