If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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