your thong is hanging out like whoa
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
