The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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