did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
