Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
