i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
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