cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
