Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
