I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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