I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
