I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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