when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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