Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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