don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
