I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
