somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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