I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
