My liver just broke up with me...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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