The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
