In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
