I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
