i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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