mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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