I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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