I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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