At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
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