By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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