My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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