who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
