The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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