All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
