What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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