wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
