did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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