I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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