rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
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im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
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I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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