There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
