Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
