smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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