I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
This toilet bowl is my home.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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