I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
