WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
