This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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