we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
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All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
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I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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