Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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