:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
