Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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