is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
