; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
