That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
he puts the penis in happiness.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
