Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
