Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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