wanna go halves on a baby?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
