I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize