i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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