We won't sleep together?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
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and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
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Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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