Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she told me i tasted like america
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
