I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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