I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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