Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
