You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
