i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
